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Treading Water And Counting

I’m still employed.

I had a boss or two interfere intervene so for the moment retirement is stalled. It’s a stop gap (at best) and doesn’t change the ultimate outcome. I’m trying to grit my teeth and see it as a little more money before I roll away for good. My bosses mean well – and their joint vote of confidence is worth its weight in gold. I keep reminding myself to go with the flow and let things work out. I’m thisclose to TRYING to get fired, as in finding something I can do that won’t get me arrested but will get me walked out. Never quite hit that point before. It’s bizarre.

The job itself is – well, a job. I love the people I work with. Funny, smart, loyal, interesting souls every single one.  Well, okay, a couple of sour apples, but in general they’re good guys and gals. The job is awesome in a lot of respects. Sadly, I also see the handwriting on the wall for the business and a change in management is escalating the process. It’s the end of an era, but paves the way for the Next Big Thing. Nothing lasts forever, and this isn’t a person. Its eventual demise won’t be the end of my world. It’s simply the exclamation mark at the end of my “Get Outta Dodge” letter to myself.

There are new horizons ahead of me. I’m looking forward. If I keep looking behind myself, I’ll stumble over something big and obvious in the road. I’ll stick to looking ahead.

It’s been a bizarre week in a lot of respects. Changes are in the air, even if they’re not 100% here yet. My younger daughter got a random text from her ex with photos of her son. We haven’t seen this grandson since he was a baby. He’s now 8 years old. Other than the fire engine red hair, he’s the spitting image of my daughter.

Sullivan Sullivan 2 Sullivan 3

I’m hoping someday we’ll get another chance to see him, but there’s no way to recover the time. We’ll be complete strangers to him, and knowing his dad’s family they told him we just didn’t care.

I’ll spare you a diatribe on how he didn’t ask for or tolerate jack but got it just the same.

I’m glad we got to see his pictures anyway.

The new baby-to-be is due around December-ish and will be a girl. The new-new baby-to-be is still too preliminary to know more than it’s in development. (Yes, there’s another on the way – so we’re expecting grandchild #8 and #9, respectively.) The new lives can’t ever substitute for the child we miss, but that in no way diminishes their value, either. Life goes on, even when your heart gets ripped to shreds.

I’ve gotten one message after another from the Universe saying to prepare for change, and it’s certainly overdue. Then again, a good part of it is predicated on my own action (or inaction, in some cases.) The tricky part is knowing when to act and when to let things unfold in their own time. It’s easy to take either side of the equation. There’s one that says don’t rush, don’t push things, let life unfold as it’s meant to blossom. There’s the other approach too, the one that declares you alone can and therefore must take the helm of your life, make a decision and stick with it.

For some people it would be inconceivable to choose the other path – even though others do so, and do so successfully, every single day. Then you run into someone like me who’s observed the pros and cons of both arguments, and tries to figure out which is the best solution in any given situation. Sounds good except for the fact that those of us who can see both sides are more apt to sit frozen and afraid of making the wrong decision.

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